tentacles

I read two articles this week that have stuck with me. Both are about cancer, and living with it. One might think that being four years out from the cancer “journey” that I would have “put it behind me,” but as those of us in Cancerland know, that is a misnomer. As the distance between us and cancer becomes greater, the instances of cancer smacking us in the face become fewer, but they are never gone. The opportunities to be bitch-slapped by the beast are plentiful. We reside in the “middle stage” of the cancer “journey,” as author Susan Gubar says.

Gubar is an English professor and ovarian-cancer club member. Her writing cuts to the chase and speaks to the very essence of my soul, a trait I greatly admire (and sometimes covet). To wit:

“But for some of us, there is a middle stage in this journey. Because of advances in cancer research and the efforts of dedicated oncologists, a large population today deals with disease kept in abeyance. The cancer has returned and has been controlled, but it will never go away completely. Like me, these people cope with cancer that is treatable for some unforeseeable amount of time. Chronic cancer means you will die from it — unless you are first hit by the proverbial bus — but not now, not necessarily soon.

The word “chronic” resides between the category of cured and the category of terminal. It refers to disease that is not spreading, malignancy that can be arrested but not eradicated. At times, the term may seem incommensurate with repetitive and arduous regimens aimed at an (eventually) fatal disease. For unlike diabetes or asthma, cancer does not respond predictably to treatment.”

Cancer does not respond predictably to treatment.

True dat. The unpredictability of the beast gives it tentacles with potential to bitch-slap us at any time. Those tentacles may float benignly under the surface, or they may reach out and grab us sight-unseen.

nettiehorn.com

nettiehorn.com

Gubar writes of us Cancerland residents: “No matter how grateful these patients are for their continuing existence, it requires not the spurt of sprinters but the stamina and sometimes the loneliness of long distance runners. When repetitive and arduous regimens weary the spirit, it may be impossible to value the preciousness of life,  to visualize one’s harmony with the universe, to attain loving kindness, to stay positive, to greet each day as a prized gift.”

This, my friends, sums up the conundrum those of us in Cancerland face: Yes, I am happy to be alive. But dammit, living under the cloud of unpredictability is hard. It’s stressful. It’s lonely. It’s scary. It’s rife with bitch-slaps.

Article #2 is by Lani Horn, who blogs about her cancer “journey” here. She wrote a piece that was picked up by Time magazine online about the movie The Fault in Our Stars and how it represents cancer patients. Having read the book but not seen the movie yet, I was intrigued by her take on how the movie would portray the reality of cancer patients. Or, as she more deftly puts it,”Is cancer simply a storytelling device — shorthand for eliciting sympathy and turning up the heat on the issues in a character’s life — or do the filmmakers take it seriously as a situation to explore? This question sorts the cancersploitation from real cancer art.”

Horn explains that people who watch movies that deal with cancer are in two distinct categories: “outsiders, wanting to understand an experience beyond our own, or insiders, coming to see our own lives reflected.”

She and I are in the latter group. Unfortunately. Horn makes it very clear that “the world looks different after you have spent time pinned to the mat by death. The gaps between reality and representation are no longer theoretical. They are contentious.”

Oh, but to reside in the land of theoretical gaps between reality and representation. To never worry about being bitch-slapped by a tentacle.

Horn asks: “So what does it mean to use cancer as a backdrop to a story? To be sure, a prolonged or terminal cancer experience is a crucible of one’s character, as well as the characters of those around you. The fractures in our relationships break or heal under the strain of mortal threat. Cancer is an economical dramatic device.”

Yes, cancer certainly is dramatic. And unpredictable. And bitch-slappy.


4 Comments on “tentacles”

  1. David Benbow says:

    As an outsider, I need to keep it more in mind that this is something that you carry with you every single day that non-Cancerlanders can’t even begin to understand. We may not even notice the thousand things that bring on these bitch-slaps as you go through your day. Thanks for reminding me.

  2. Eddie says:

    The awareness is the problem. It’s like trying to pretend to not know something. Once cancer arrives it never really leaves. At best it’s in the other room. Tentacles are a great visual.

  3. Awareness is a strange thing. Sometimes it is a curse; sometimes it helps us treasure the moment.

    As I think I wrote somewhere (at least I should have), “We can’t unknow what we know.”

    If all the world could remain aware that life itself is terminal, it would be a different place. One lives differently after one has been diagnosed with a disease that will be your demise. One lives differently when one never feels well and /or is under constant treatment.

    I speak as an insider, who often slips into “outsiderness.” I also try to live in constant denial re: my husband’s illness. That’s the only way I can bear it.

  4. It it’s that jack in the box, and you turn the crank each time hoping it doesn’t pop open this time. Life happens regardless of cancer, but that handle keeps turning too. ~Catherine


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