The creep

It’s a well-known fact that I am a Scrooge. 

At the risk of alienating friends and loved ones and inciting harsh judgement against my Scroogy self, I say it again: I hate Christmas.

The reasons are many, and I won’t rain on anyone’s parade or crush anyone’s candy cane by listing them here. Suffice to say that the “holiday season” fills me with dread, and I grit my teeth and power my way through it. I wish I enjoyed it. I really do. While I do smile sweetly at the cashier who wishes me “happy holidays” on November 1st, it’s a pretty fake smile.

I do enjoy the annual Christmas Eve get-together with my cousins — a great meal, festive drinks, and the tradition of gathering in a circle to exchange gifts. My cousin Jimmy’s Texas Trash is a most-favored gift every year.  I enjoy getting cards and photos from far-flung and nearby friends, seeing how big the kids are getting and taking in new additions of puppies, boats, and what-not. Ok, and the music. I do like Christmas music.

But that’s pretty much it.

I love Thanksgiving, and it’s a shame that it’s overshadowed and steamrolled by the creep. Thanksgiving is the perfect holiday: gathering around a table to celebrate the bounties of life with nary a gift exchange in sight. It’s about the sentiment, not the stuff.

Each year I wonder, sometimes aloud and sometimes in my head, at what age my kids will be old enough that I can skip putting up a Christmas tree. Last year I finally caved and bought an artificial, pre-lit tree, to ease some of the drudgery. I should have done it several years ago when our real tree had a wonky trunk, only to be discovered after it was encased in gallons of water, lit to the heavens, and laden with fragile ornaments. The day that tree came crashing down, literally, I added another entry to my “I hate Christmas” list. Water and pine needles all over my hardwood floor, ornaments shattered into millions of pieces, lights half on and half off, and two doggie cardiac arrest cases later, I should have pitched the deficient tree and its remaining lights and ornaments right into the street and sworn off this wretched holiday altogether.

But I didn’t. I went to the garden center and got another tree and started all over, cursing all the way.

My dislike of the most wonderful time of the year hasn’t mellowed, and this year when the Christmas merchandise appeared in the grocery stores the day after Halloween, I was ready to punch Santa square in the face.

I know, I know that would rocket me straight to the top of the naughty list, but I suspect I’m already there.

Halloween candy bags had barely been picked through when the marketers decide it’s past time for a holly jolly Christmas. It’s especially painful to endure in Texas, when it’s 89 degrees and shoppers are sweating their way through Target. There’s something just plain wrong about summertime conditions juxtaposed with a winter wonderland. ACs are blasting, but we’re dreaming of a white Christmas.

The Christmas creep seems to start earlier every year. Maybe it’s right on time and I’m just getting crankier every year, but it seems like the school supply displays are barely dismantled before the light-up wire reindeer lawn ornaments magically appear in a big box retailer near you. One of my  neighbors has a Christmas light installer every year for the outside of his house. They started last weekend. Oh joy. Maybe they’ll get the Griswold Award this year. Or throw a breaker. The wreaths have been up on the shopping center exteriors and neighborhood entrances for a while now, too. I can’t very well avoid the grocery store, and I have to get into my neighborhood somehow, which means it’s hard to avoid the Christmas creep. 

The Black Friday deals are already on, and inciting panic attacks. Just this morning I had 2 emails in my inbox, one from The Gap and one from Off 5th, telling me that Black Friday Starts Today!! With Black Friday Prices Now!!

But it’s only Wednesday. Black Friday should be on Friday, not Wednesday. No exceptions. Stupid creep.

My favorite girl hates the creep, too. Loves the gifts, but hates the creep. She writes a little blog herself, and recently posted about the creep. Now, let me warn you that her writing is a little out there. She’s a big-time outside of the box type thinker. Sometimes her writing doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s always creative and wacky. For example, her recent post on Reasons Not to Carry French Fries Around Buffalo:

We all know that you shouldn’t carry French fries around buffalo,but do you know the reasons?
1. Buffalo come from Belgium, where French fries were originally made, they find it offensive that’s it’s called French.
2. Scientists find it unhealthy for buffalo to be eating French fries,also scientist are always watching you.
3. Buffalo have the worst fast food craving out of all the animals except mice, and when you eat a French fry they want a French fry then they pelt you with mushrooms. So stay away from those undersize Musk Ox.

Her post on the creep is titled Nobody Cares About Thanksgiving, and she has a point, if I do say so. An excerpt:

This news was discovered by an insane 9 year old. You know when it’s 3 weeks before Thanksgiving and there are already Christmas specials on TV, and in magazines there are 20% off on Christmas gifts for the little acorns. Now it’s a way to become a Thanksgiving Hater- Christmas Maniac-Rainbow Zombie!!! The worst part is the Pilgrims come back and they are all upset that nobody cares about them and their back hair!! So stop the Christmas specials before all of the zombie rainbows and apple sharks start to fight over the cow that makes the best milk!!! Or was it spaghetti nobodies turn into spaghetti somebodies? Either way no one wants that to happen, (except the spaghetti nobodies because they all want to be a somebody).

Can’t we just enjoy Thanksgiving without the creep? Those hairy-backed Pilgrims would want us to.