I’m a terrible patient.
A very impatient patient.
I’ve written about this topic a time or two. Just the other day, I reported on my status after the summary removal of my last remaining girl parts.
Now, a few days further into the healing process, I feel good but not great. Truth be told, I’d much prefer to see and feel a lot more progress. The days are long when I’m forced to sit and heal. I’d like to say I’m a better patient than I used to be; crikey, I certainly should be given all the practice I’ve had during the last several years. But I’m not. At least not noticeably better.
In “Wisdom from the DL” I labored under the mistaken impression that I was getting better at being a patient:
I’ve been on the DL — disabled list — an awful lot since cancer came to town, and I don’t like it. I don’t like it, but I think I’ve gotten better at it. I’ll never be good at being a spectator in my own life, and I’ll never be one who enjoys the journey in my haste to get to the destination,but I have learned the value of time & place and that sometimes you have to be instead of do. I’ve learned to chant “It’s temporary” a thousand and one times to remind myself that while this is my life, it won’t always be like this.
In “Recovery mode” I was perhaps more realistic and came clean on being a terrible patient:
Recovery is tough, and it’s not one of my favorite things. It’s nowhere to be found on the list of my favorite things. I’m a terrible patient — impatient, restless, and intolerant of my dependent state. However, I’m quite the pro at the recovery process now, after multiple surgeries, and don’t fight it as much as I did in the beginning. I’m not going to win patient of the year award in this lifetime, but I’m not gnashing my teeth over the process this time around. Baby steps.
Here I am again, on the DL and in recovery mode. And I still hate it. I still suck at it. I’m still a very impatient patient.
Amidst a previous recovery–for which surgery, I don’t even recall–I explored some words of wisdom on the topic of patience. A few of my faves:
From Shakespeare’s Othello: “How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?” By excruciatingly slow degrees, that is.
Alexandre Dumas chimed in: “All human wisdom is summed up in two words — wait and hope.” I’m pretty sucky at both of these.
And from Leo Tolstoy: “The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.” Well, that confirms it: I’m hosed.
Then this from Ben Franklin: “He that can have patience can have what he wants.” Franklin. What a smart ass.
What I want is a time machine. Set to “fast forward” so I can speed through this infernal healing process. Or perhaps a home lobotomy kit, so I can fashion myself a new personality. One marked by patience.