I’m expecting a big fat “rejected!” notice

Trevor is trying to get life insurance on me. I’m sure that should make me nervous on some level; however, I think he knows that even on my worst day, his life is a bit easier with me in it. Right?? Right??

Here’s what’s funny: I had to fill out a bunch of online forms, knowing I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of being accepted. It’s ok, I have really thick skin. I don’t worry too much about rejection.

The online application has a big section on heath issues, conveniently divided up into categories: physical exam; common conditions; skin, hair & nails; musculoskeletal; women’s health; and “other.”

I’m sure I would pass the physical exam, as long as they give partial credit for having partially finalized body parts. The common conditions section included questions on whether one has had problems with things like colds, flu, allergies, as well as kidney stones and appendicitis. Since when did the latter two become common? I hope I never have either.

The skin, hair & nails section sadly had nothing to do with how fastidiously or fashionably maintained one is. I would pass with flying colors on exfoliated, moisturized, and sunblocked skin, as well as highlighted hair and a nice mani-pedi. But no, they want to know about boring stuff like shingles and psoriasis.

Musculoskeltal was a little more interesting with queries about back pain, bone spurs, fractures, and plantar fasciitis. No, yes, yes, and yes. That was easy.

Women’s health dealt with exactly what I’d expect: birth control, menopause, hormone replacement therapy. In other words, some of the most depressing topics on the website. No need for birth control when you’ve been thrown into early menopause. The baby-making department has not only been downsized but is out of business and closed for good. Menopause? Yep, in spades. Every symptom under the ‘pause banner got a big, thick checkmark from me. Hormone replacement therapy? No chance. The damn hormones fed my cancer machine, so there’s no way I’m going to replace them. Not even if they begged me to come back. 

The “other” section inquired about a smorgasboard of topics: concussions, cycts, hernias, and plastic surgery. Hmmm, seems strange to throw the plastic surgery one in there. I can’t wait to tell Dr S that his exalted specialty is lumped in with such ordinary things. 

After checking the boxes and reading the laundry list of symptoms and conditions, I had to give specific detail about any “health concerns.” This is where I’m expecting the giant red “rejection” stamp to hit. The questions:

“#1. During the past three years, have you for any reason consulted a physician(s) or other health care provider(s), or been hospitalized? #2. Have you ever had, or been treated for, any of the following: heart, lung, kidney, liver, nervous system, or mental disorder; high blood pressure; stroke; diabetes; cancer or tumor; drug or alcohol abuse including addiction?”

No amount of creative writing or playing fast & loose with the facts is going to help me here.  During the past three years, I have indeed consulted a physician(s) or other health care provider(s) and been hospitalized. Further, I have indeed been treated for cancer or tumor; the jury is still out on the mental disorder and the drug/alcohol abuse issues. I’m thinking those could go either way. 

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9 Comments on “I’m expecting a big fat “rejected!” notice”

  1. David Benbow says:

    Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.

    You don’t need the life insurance anyway. If you die, Trevor gets your Fiat. Isn’t that enough?

  2. Nellie says:

    Just found your blog. Must go back and read the rest! I had the same problem – cancer & total hysterectomy & instant menopause – so it’s nice to find someone else who “gets it.”

    I had a big seroma after my surgery that took an additional 6 months to heal and left a dent in my andomen. Remarkably, I just had emergency laparoscopic surgery for gallstones. At this point my abdomen has railroad tracks all over it and I now have three “bellybuttons.” Sexy.

  3. Ed says:

    Use does not eaqual abuse, so you’re clear on that one. The question is how high a premium is Trev willing to pay now so he can collect when he’s had enough of you?!

  4. Jan Hasak says:

    Ah, I know that feeling about forms. When I had to apply for individual health insurance, I was sure that they would reject me for the lower premium, and they did. I feel healthy, but they made me feel like a medical wreck. Hang in there, and hang tough.
    XOXO,
    Jan

  5. Patti Ross says:

    I LIKE your humor, insight, humanity–and feel that if insurance companies were wise they would always insure such a strong survivor such as you!

  6. Trevor Hicks says:

    First I should point out that there is NO connection to the fact that I just bought a car with a huge trunk. Second, I just changed jobs and the company offers $25k life insurance on the spouse with no hassle, but you have to go through this process to get more. I figured there’s no way in hell we’ll get it on the open market for a decent price so this was worth a shot. Thank you Nancy for being willing to do the application, and who knows maybe they’ll say yes. Now if we can just get Dr. S. and your Colombian onco-crush on the new insurance we’re all set.

  7. Kate says:

    Of course. The people who need insurance the most are the ones who are automatically disqualified. What a disgrace, for the richest country in the world!

  8. Lauren says:

    Well at least you have a new Fiat. Uh no, never never…and don’t ever divorce Trevor because you will never get health insurance again without selling a kidney too….

    🙂
    lauren

  9. nancyspoint says:

    Don’t you just love those forms!
    A woman’s health, that’s a complicated thing and quite difficult to summarize by checking off boxes isn’t it?


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