It’s not quite like that

Joanna Montgomery gets it. She really gets it. It’s a common misconception, yet something that those of us who’ve faced it head-on know. We know because we learn the hard way. Despite the Pollyanna snow job by pink-ribbon celebs like Giuliana Rancic and Amy Robach, having a mastectomy does not mean you get new boobs. Not even close. In this article, Montgomery explains it, succinctly and completely.

“There’s a huge misconception among the general populous about what it means to have one’s breasts removed and replaced with artificial ones (if they are replaced at all). When speaking about my upcoming surgery, I had many well-meaning people say things like, ‘Well at least you get new boobs!’ and, ‘Your husband must be so excited… has he picked ’em out yet?’ Yeah, well, it’s not quite like that. Not at all, in fact.”

Yeah, it’s not at all like that.

Here’s how it really is, as Montgomery so eloquently explains: “It seems that those not in the know tend to equate post-mastectomy reconstructed breasts with augmented breasts or ‘boob jobs.’ Nothing could be further from the truth. You see, augmented breasts are actually real live breasts with nipples and healthy breast tissue behind which silicone or saline implants have been placed, either under or above the muscle, thereby pushing them up and out. If augmented breasts didn’t look damn good, breast augmentation surgeries would not be so, ahem, popular. So even though augmented boobs are often called ‘fake boobs,’ they’re really not. I, on the other hand, do have fake boobs (or ‘foobs,’ as I have become prone to calling them).”

I have foobs, too. Not implants, but foobs made from my own flesh and tissue carved from my belly via a 17-inch-long incision.

Like Montgomery, I am thankful to have had skilled surgeons at the helm of my reconstruction, and I’m thankful to have good health insurance (although the out-of-pocket expenses are still hefty). Sometimes honesty about our foobs is interpreted as being ungrateful. Montgomery says, “those of us who either opted to have mastectomies as a preventative measure, or had mastectomies as a life-saving measure, aren’t excited about our ‘new boobs.’ In truth, we’ll never be the same. We see ourselves differently now when we look in the mirror, because we are different, inside as well as outside.”

 

 

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Words of wisdom for the newly diagnosed

A dear friend of mine asked me to compile a list of things to know when facing a cancer diagnosis. A friend of hers is newly diagnosed with breast cancer, and so my friend turned to me for advice for her friend. While I am by no means an expert, I have walked a mile or two in the pink shoes, so here’s my list. Readers, please chime in with your advice.

1. Don’t panic. I know, easier said than done. Hearing the words “You have cancer” is scary, no doubt about it. No matter where you are in life, it’s the one thing no one wants to experience, and yet more and more people are finding their lives turned upside-down by cancer. The American Cancer Society estimates that more than 200,000 women in the United States will face a breast cancer diagnosis each year. Looking at your diagnosis, treatment, and surgery options may seem overwhelming, so break it down into manageable pieces.

2. Keep a notebook. Being a cancer patient is a full-time job, and like many other jobs, it involves a lot of paperwork. Get a 3-ring binder and some divider tabs and set up an organized system to track your pathology reports, insurance statements, notes from doctors’ appointments, and research. Ask for copies of everything from your doctors. Like it or not, you need to become your own advocate.

3. Figure out how much information you’re comfortable with and go no farther. I’m an info junkie and have a deep-seated need to know as much as I can about my cancer. I ask lots of questions at my doctor’s appointments and want to look at the ins and outs of all the issues. I watched videos on youtube of the different surgeries I would have (bilateral mastectomy with tissue expanders then DIEP reconstruction and several revisions to the reconstruction.) While a deluge of info works for me, others may prefer to work on a “need to know” basis and to take sips instead of gulps when it comes to the facts & figures of cancer. Decide what level you want and don’t venture beyond that unless you’re comfortable doing so. Also figure out how much of your story you want to share. I didn’t set out to write a blog, but found it to be the best way to update my peeps on my status. Once the cancer morphed from the star to more of a supporting role in my life, I realized that blogging about it is incredibly therapeutic for me. That’s a personal choice, however, so don’t feel that you need to broadcast your status.

4. Educate yourself so you can be the decision maker, then follow your gut. This is your show, for better or worse, and you must be the one to run it. While it’s perfectly acceptable to solicit opinions and to ask your docs what they would do if in your shoes, ultimately the decisions that must be made are yours. And there will be a lot of decisions to make. I remember wishing there was a manual for this part of the cancer “journey” that would tell me what to do. Alas, no such manual exists, so it was my job to weigh the facts when deciding on surgery and treatment. The decisions (lumpectomy vs mastectomy, chemo or no chemo, Tamoxifen for 5 years to reduce recurrence odds or roll the dice?) are big, and the stakes are high. Do your homework then trust your instincts.

5. You gotta love your doctors. Or at the very least, you gotta respect them. Even if your personalities aren’t aligned, you want to feel confident that he/she is the best at what they do. If you don’t love him/her or feel unsure about his/her abilities, keep looking. Ask for recommendations from people and doctors you trust, but then decide for yourself if it’s a good fit. One of the oncologists I visited came very highly recommended; everyone and their brother had been to this guy and respected him to the moon and back. I wasn’t crazy about him, though, and didn’t relish the idea of a long-term relationship with him. And his office was depressing — morose decor and outdated, muted colors that dragged me down every time I was there. This made me realize that I needed to look at the whole picture — does the office make me more nauseated than the proposed chemo? are the front office staff members courteous? does the waiting area suggest chaos or tranquility? what is the average time spent waiting to see the doctor? how responsive is the nursing staff to your phone calls, questions, or concerns? what system is in place in the event that my doc is unavailable? Remember that they work for you, not the other way around, and if you’re not getting the care you feel you deserve, you have every right to speak up.

6. Avail yourself of another set of ears. As much as I hated being dependent on others (see number 8 below), it was crucial to take someone with me to my doctors’ appointments. In the beginning, especially, there’s a ton of information being bandied about, and most of it is very emotionally-charged, technical, or hard to process (or maybe all 3); having someone else there to listen and take notes was a must for me. Even now, 2 1/2 years later, I still take my trusted sherpa with me to my checkups and often have to text her after the visit to confirm what the doc said about a particular issue. My brain gets very full very fast with all the cancer business, so I need my sherpa to lend me some of her brainpower, and my memory took a beating from the stress & strain of all the cancer fallout. Having someone else along to recall all the little details makes a big difference.

7. Talk openly with your kids, if you have them. They’re more observant–and resilient–than you think, and conversations about cancer will dominate your life at first, so trying to hide it from them is a bad idea. Explain it to them according to their age and ability to understand. My kids were 8 and 10 when I was diagnosed, and I told them that my doctor found a cancer in my breast that needed to be removed with surgery, but that once the surgery was over, the cancer would be gone and I would be around for a long, long time to harass and embarrass them. I said that I would need to lay down and rest a lot, but that it was temporary and once I healed, I would be ok. My 8-year-old accepted that as fact, while my 10-year-old asked repeatedly if I was sure I wasn’t going to die. He needed more reassurance, so I took him to my breast surgeon, who explained the same thing I’d explained, but hearing it from her, in a more clinical setting, reassured him.

8. Let people help. Man oh man this one was so hard for me. I don’t like depending on others, and I don’t like accepting help. However, I learned real fast that I needed to let go and get comfortable with delegating and giving orders. It was hard, hard, hard for me. But I realized that many people wanted to help, and that because they felt powerless in many ways, allowing them to bring a meal or pick up my kids allowed them to participate and made them feel good for helping. For those who are the ones wanting to help, a little piece of advice: don’t ask what you can do to help, and don’t say, “Let me know if you need anything.” I was so bamboozled by all things cancer that I didn’t know what I needed some days. Volunteer something specific, i.e., I’ll come walk your dog, or I’ll drive you to your doctor’s appointment, or I’m coming over to vacuum your house and fold your laundry.

9. Nix the pity party. Another great piece of advice from my amazing breast surgeon. She allowed that there would be days in which I didn’t want to get out of bed, but she put a time-limit on it. She gave me 3 days of wallowing, and said if I felt like I needed more, to come see her and we’d talk. It’s tempting to wonder, and even ask, Why me? But the answer inevitably will be Who knows? so ya might as well get up and get on with it.

10. Limit your exposure to anyone in your life who is negative or not supportive. Trust me, people will come out of the woodwork when they hear through the grapevine that you “won” the cancer lottery. You will likely hear all manner of advice and anecdotes, most of which are neither helpful nor amusing. Also trust me that you do not need to hear about how your next-door neighbor’s brother’s boss’s wife had the same kind of cancer you’ve been diagnosed with, and she was sick as a dog and bald as an old man all through chemo and then died a year later. I repeat: you do not need to hear this kind of talk. Distance yourself from anyone who brings that kind of junk into your yard. I had to tell a few people flat-out that their diarrhea of the mouth was not helping me and that if they couldn’t think of something constructive to say or something banal upon which to comment, they could just keep on walking. You will learn who your real friends are, you will likely make some new friends, and you may even find yourself outgrowing some friendships along the way. All of this is ok. Don’t be surprised if you have friends who can’t be bothered to listen to you vent or who are afraid that your bad luck will bleed over onto them. Don’t be surprised if you have a friend who backs out of a commitment to help you in your cancer “journey.” The sad truth is some people are fair-weather friends, and cancer can be a blustery wind that uproots the seeds of friendship. The good news is that cancer can also bring people into your life just when you need them most. Two of my dearest friends are those I was merely acquainted with pre-cancer, but whose kind hearts and fine character led them to me in my time of need, and by my side they have remained.


The circus may be gone, but the big top remains

Saw Surgeon #2 last week about the next step in revising The Big Dig. Didn’t want to talk about it or blog about it at the time. I’m not sure why, but I suspect it has to do with Surgeon #2’s comment about me having “been to hell and back.”

Part of me thinks it should be very gratifying to hear Surgeon #2 say that. After all, I respect her immensely, and it’s quite validating to hear someone I think highly of say that I made it through a seriously trying time, and that I made it with flying colors. If there were a report card for cancer/infection/surgery progress, I think I’d have straight A’s.

No such report card exists, however, and a 4.0 in this particular course-load is meaningless. There is no honor roll in the ranks of survivors. Instead of a gold star, I have some big-time scars across my chest and belly. I’ve gained a few hard-won wrinkles etched in my furrowed brow, too, from the worry that accompanies a cancer diagnosis, a post-mastectomy infection, 267 days of oral antibiotics, and major surgery followed by not one, not two, but multiple revisions. There’s no end in sight to this circus. The fairgrounds are quiet, but the circus tent remains. The bearded lady has gone home, and the trapeze artists have ambled along, too. The wild animals are safely ensconced in their cages, and the carnival rides are dormant. The circus, however, lives on. It seems there is no end to the drama and three-ring craziness that is life after breast cancer. I hold out hope that at some point the circus will vanish in the night, and I will awake to find sawdust, peanut shells, and the faint smell of adrenaline and cotton candy. But alas, the big top remains.

google.com

I saw Surgeon #2 last week to get her opinion on the next step on this cancer “journey.” Like a traveling circus steaming toward the next town, the cancer “journey” chugs along. I sought Surgeon #2’s expert opinion on the next phase of this “journey.” After The Big Dig and subsequent revisions to perfect what is essentially an imperfect canvas, I needed to hear her say “do this” or “don’t do that.” I needed to know whether there’s any point to pursuing yet another tweak to my restored chest.

Surgeon #2 was her usual cheery, to-the-point self. She says I’m “almost there” in the relentless pursuit of normalcy — at least on the physical side — after breast cancer and reconstruction. That’s the tactful way of saying “We can do a little more, but it’s never going to be perfect so we’re getting close to the time in which you start to accept it.”

I don’t want to accept it.

I’m still hanging onto the myth — albeit cruel and deceptive — that one can have nice boobs again after cancer. Public Service Announcement #852 from this little blog: If you hear someone say, “Bummer about the breast cancer, but at least you get new boobs,” be aware: the new boobs may not be something you actually want.

I’m still not ready to accept that ugly truth.

Surgeon #2 concluded my consultation with a little look-see at an 8 1/2 x 11 inch photo of myself pre-reconstruction. I don’t remember posing for that picture, as there have been several photo shoots associated with this cancer “journey,” but there it was, on the inside cover of my file. Surgeon #2 flashed that full-sized photo of me, with one tidy mastectomy scar on the left and one not-so-tidy scar on the right. The right side, a mess of multiple scars and tissue excisions necessitated by the nosocomial infection. I hadn’t seen or thought about that scene in many moons. I recognized the train wreck on what was formerly known as my right breast. I recognized the God-awful blue paper panties required for plastic surgery photos. I recognized my former belly button, so normal and non-Frankenstein-looking. I recognized the flabby belly that I was required to acquire so that the DIEP surgery — my only reconstruction option — could occur. That belly was flabby, but it was unblemished and absent was the 17-inch incision from hip to hip that has mellowed but will forever be a stark reminder of what the king’s horses and the king’s men did in an effort to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

While I hadn’t seen that photo in nearly two years, I recognized every aspect of it. However, when Surgeon #2 said, “You’ve been to hell and back,” I couldn’t conjure up the specifics I expected to feel about that dark period in my cancer history. In fact, hearing her say “You’ve been to hell and back” was startling. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t know how to react to it. And days later, I still don’t know how to react to it.

I suppose I should have felt some pride and/or satisfaction at having endured that trip down the “If anything can go wrong, it will” scenario. Perhaps I should have felt a sense of accomplishment at having survived that arduous trip down the rabbit hole. I guess I should have felt happiness at having come out on the other side of such a hellish situation. But I didn’t.

Instead, I felt as if I were watching myself in a movie. I remember being there, of course, and I remember that all that happened to me. But I can’t conjure up the specific feel of the experience. I can’t visualize the ins and outs of that particular “journey.” I see myself, my physical body, in that full-size, color photo (which is not at all flattering, by the way), but it doesn’t seem like me. I see that former body through a myopic lens. The rational side of my brain knows it did indeed happen to me, but the protective side of my brain has shielded me from calling it up, in all its ugliness. Like the flash of lightning in the night sky of a summer storm, or the sharp but fleeting heat of a jalapeno pepper on the tongue, I know it’s there but once it’s gone it’s gone. For that I should be grateful.

But I’m not grateful.

I’m sad.

Really sad.

And really mad.

Maybe it’s too soon to feel triumph over the wily infection that wreaked untold havoc on my weary body. Perhaps the time is not right to celebrate how far I’ve come. Maybe I’m simply not one to say, “That was rough, but I got through it.” Apparently it’s a long way from beginning to end, if there ever is an end, and I’m not there yet. While it’s been almost exactly two years since I bid adieu to my cancer-riddled breasts, that’s not enough time to process the enormity of all that’s transpired over the last 728 days. If it were a linear path from diagnosis to mastectomy to psychological recovery, I might be in a position to expect some change, some healing, some progress to have occurred. But I was busy processing that nasty infection instead of dealing with the weight of cancer at age 40, so the change, the healing, the progress remains at a standstill.

The big top remains.

google.com

 

 

 


Tennis time

Today’s the day, people.

I’m paying a call on my true love. Nope, this isn’t a tell-all expose a la Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It’s tennis.

Finally.

I’ve been cleared by my favorite doc to start playing again. To ease back into it and with specific instructions to stop in my tracks if I feel even a tiny pull in my 17-inch-long belly incision. That super-long, super-bad incision is healing up quite nicely, and it’s my job to guard it and baby it.

When I got the green light from my favorite surgeon, I asked his nurse  to please put a note in my file and have him sign it to that effect. A permission slip of sorts, so that when I see him again in a couple of weeks and mention tennis, he doesn’t forget he’d given me the go-ahead. The last thing that man and I need is another argument. Although, it has been a while since we had one….

With the tennis ban being lifted, I realized that I haven’t so much as picked up a racquet since The Big Dig, nearly 3 months ago. In fact, I had to dig around in the garage for my tennis bag. Sadly, it had been consigned to the garage instead of riding shotgun like normal, and it hung on a hook, quite forlornly, I might add, all this time. Over the course of almost 3 months, things like stadium seats and insulated cooler bags were hung in front of my beloved bag, and it took on the role of wallflower instead of constant companion. I had to take my racquet out, just for a sec, and hold it in my hand. Just like old times. 

Today’s return isn’t full of the fanfare the met my return to the court last fall, after finally triumphing over the God-awful post-mastectomy infection and all its myriad complications. You loyal readers know the story so I won’t bore you with the details yet again, but suffice to say that the bilateral mastectomy would have been enough, but the nosocomial infection that required 3 more surgeries, nearly a month in the hospital, and endless antibiotics was really enough.

No fanfare, because while returning to tennis after the mastectomy and infection mess was a lot, but it’s easy compared to recovering from the DIEP surgery. Good thing today is just a 1-hour drill, which is the perfect venue for me to see if I remember how to swing that racquet. I’m not giddy with excitement like I was last fall, because the cautious side of me is bracing for disappointment. For this return to not quite work out for me. Although I’ve been cleared, there’s no guarantee that my body is on the same schedule as my heart & mind, and I may well be met with resistance from the battle-weary bod.

See, this is one of the unseen side effects of a cancer diagnosis. Even after getting through all the hard stuff–comprehending the devastating news of diagnosis, all the gut-wrenching decisions, the surgeries & hospitalizations, the never-ending antibiotics & their grueling side effects, the cornucopia of doctors’ appointments, the worry & fear & fatigue–I’m still shell-shocked enough to automatically look for disaster. Although the 267 days of oral antibiotics worked and my infection is cured, there’s still a little part of me that assumes the worst. I can’t even remember the last time my skin opened up to let infected fluid escape, yet I still think I feel it a couple of times a week. It’s PTSD for patients.

So my job today is to say screw the PTSD. Can the shell-shocked tendencies. Bust right through the doubt. Ignore the niggling little voice that asks if I’m sure I want to do this.

Hell yes, I want to do this. More than anything else, tennis to mean means I’ve healed. More than being able to go about my busy little life, more than getting back into the gym, more than being able to lift my arms enough and twist my core enough to dress myself. Tennis means I did it. It’s over.

My friend who also battled the breast cancer beast has dusted off her racquet and returned to the game we both love. While I’m unhappy with the unfinished parts of my reconstruction and she’s unhappy with her not-yet-grown-back-in hair, we’re getting back in the game.

I’m going to take the advice of tennis legend Billie Jean King in my post-cancer tennis strategy:

“Ladies, here’s a hint.  If you’re up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys.  That’s the hardest shot for the well-endowed.”

My friend and I are both differently-endowed than we were before breast cancer came to call, but we survived that unwelcome visit and are ready to tear it up on the court. Even if we both get our asses handed to us in match play, I suspect we’ll both be smiling. Happy to be there, happy to have a racquet in hand, happy to be alive.


Dumb day

My blog friend Barb writes about her life on a charming island in Maine, where she makes homemade sourdough bread and the most beautiful jewelry with handmade beads and where her husband is a lobster fisherman. Oh, how I wish they were my next-door neighbors. I love her jewelry creations, and I could eat lobster every day and not complain. Ditto for the homemade bread.

Barb recently wrote about a dumb day in which it was drizzly and grey and she wasn’t very productive in the studio. It must have been contagious, because her mother later remarked that it was a dumb day for her, too, and Barb’s hubby said the exact same thing when he returned from fishing. I liked the phrase, and have decided to borrow it.

I thought today was going to be a dumb day, for many reasons. First was waking up with a sore spot in my back. Must have slept in a weird position, because it sure didn’t hurt when I went to bed. I’m in a rotten mood because things still aren’t sitting right with me from Mother’s Day, and I can’t lift my black cloud until the matter is put right. My kids had a squabble right before it was time to leave for school carpool, and if there’s one thing that can ruin my morning real quick, it’s squabbling kids. My runnin’ buddy is playing tennis instead of joining me at the gym for cardio, and my other gym rat friend, Melissa, has to be at her kids’ school for a fun run, which frankly, doesn’t sound like one bit of fun to me. So that leaves me to face 45 minutes of cardio without my girls to talk to, which means the time will drag on and on. I’ll have to resort to relying on Nelly and Justin Timberlake for companionship. If only my ancient iPod had video capabilities, I could look at this to distract me. 

After the gym, I have an appointment with Tammy, my beloved lymphedema specialist, to continue breaking up the scar tissue under my belly incision from The Big Dig. I have several spots that are about the size of a marble under my skin, and they must be obliterated. She uses a combination of massage, her Hivamat machine, and some firm pressure to make this happen. It alternates between being quite pleasant (the massage) and weird (Hivamat) and just plain awful (firm pressure). Luckily, I adore her and we have lots of good chats while she’s doing her thing. She moonlights as a therapist, at least for me, and she knows a lot of my innermost thoughts & feelings. Getting those out and leaving them in her little studio always feels good.

Add in a trip to the grocery store, one of my most dreaded chores, and having to spend some time today going through medical bills and fighting BS regulations, and it seemed destined to be a dumb day for me. Some days are like that. But lo and behold, hope arrived in the form of an email from my friend David. Y’all will remember him as the creative genius behind the illustrated story of the Drs S.

Well, he’s rescued me from my dumb day by announcing that he’s created an official logo for this little blog. It’s cute and creative and fun and full of meaning. I will unveil it in a separate post, both to keep you dear readers on the edge of your seat and also because it would be wrong, just plain wrong to put this little gem on the same page (screen?) as a long, boring, and pitiful description of my dumb day. Or what seemed destined to be a dumb day but has been rescued. Thank you, David.