Does It Ever End?
Posted: December 5, 2016 Filed under: breast cancer, cancer fatigue, kids | Tags: biology, breast cancer, breast cancer and young women, cancer, cancer battle, cancer diagnosis, cancer fatigue, cancer journey, cancer recurrence, cancer research, cancer sucks, family, PTSD, real world, schoolproject 7 CommentsOver the weekend, my favorite girl asked me to help her with a project for her biology class. She’s a freshman in high school now. This is what she looked like at age 8 when I was diagnosed with cancer. I took this photo the day before my bilateral mastectomy. 
This is my favorite girl today. 
I know, right??? How does that happen???
Anyhoo, back to the story: my favorite girl is doing a project for her biology class on a disease or disorder that has a chromosomal component. She chose breast cancer.
She needed the basic info of my cancer: stage, treatment, etc., as well as ancillary materials (photos and such) that tell “the story” of her subject’s experience with said disease or disorder. I pulled out my bulging “cancer catch-all” — my binder that holds all my paperwork, like pathology reports. That was easy because it’s all facts: this scan was conducted on this date and found this. Then she asked for the not-so-easy part: details on how my cancer affected me. While there are indeed facts involved with that part too, something else is involved as well, which is what makes it, for me, the not-so-easy part.
Feelings. The dreaded feels.
I don’t like feeling the feels associated with my cancer experience. (I refuse to refer to it as my cancer “journey” because to me that word implies an end point. With cancer, there doesn’t seem to be an end point. I don’t like it, so I’m not gonna use that word.)
Six years out, I don’t think about my cancer experience nearly as much as I used to (hence the loooooooong periods of radio silence from this blog). As with most calamities, time does smooth out the rough edges. But with my favorite girl asking me for all the gory details, that dark period of my life surrounded me, again.
When, exactly, do we “get over” this? At what point does the calamity of cancer lose its potent punch? I’d like an ETA on the return of peace and tranquility. Can someone please tell me when to expect an easing from the powers of the cancer calamity? Because I need to know that at some point, cancer will no longer upend my day like a sucker punch and leave me reeling, wondering why I feel as I’ve been run over by a truck.
That will happen, right?
Even though my cancer experience is no longer the petulant toddler whining for a pack of Skittles in the grocery-store checkout area, apparently that cancer still packs quite a punch. The simple act of flipping through my medical binder to locate information for my girl’s project sent me on a one-way trip through bad memories and scary places. I see myself from a distance, as if I’m watching myself on a screen. In the blink of an eye, I’m no longer a survivor whose scars are a badge of courage. Instead, I’m instantly transported back to that time. Those days. That period.
I hate that cancer has the ability to do this. I hate that cancer still controls me. Like a bad habit or a selfish lover, my cancer has a hold on me. Other people’s cancers have that power over me, too. Like my sweet mama’s cancer. That rat bastard smiles and licks its lips, knowing it is the puppet master and I am the puppet.
I should know better than to expect to be “done” with cancer. After all, I’ve been thinking about it and blogging about it for years. As I wrote early in 2011:
Another things I’ve learned on my “cancer journey” is that someone keeps moving the finish line. I’ve only been at this for 10 months, yet have seen my finish line recede, sidewind, and fade into the distance. It starts even before diagnosis, with the testing that’s done to determine if we do indeed have a problem. Get through those tests, which in my case were a mammogram, an ultrasound or two, and a couple of biopsies. Then there’s the actual diagnosis, and getting through that becomes an emotional obstacle course. Following the diagnosis are lots of research, soul-searching, and decisions. But even when those are through, the real work is only just beginning. After the big decisions come still more testing (MRI, CT scan, PET scan, blood work, another biopsy), and that’s just to get to the point of having surgery. Get through surgery, then through recovery, and just when I think I may be getting “there” I realize that even after recovery, I gotta learn about re-living, which is kinda different when “normal” has flown the coop and there’s a new status quo involved. You might think that finding the new normal would be the end, but guess what? now there’s the maintenance and screening. If you’re the kind of person who makes a list and takes the necessary steps to reach the conclusion, you’re screwed, because there is no end. I can’t even see the goalposts anymore.
I should know damn good and well that there is no end. So why do I keep looking for it?
IDLEs
Posted: September 29, 2015 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bilateral mastectomy, breast cancer, breast cancer diagnosis, breast cancer research, DCIS, Dr Laura Esserman, IDLEs, National Cancer Institute, Paget Disease 6 CommentsLately, much has been written about the rush-to-mastectomy decisions adopted by women with DCIS diagnoses. DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) is the diagnosis given when abnormal cells reside in the milk ducts. It is precancerous and noninvasive. It is not life-threatening, although it can lead to an increased risk of developing an invasive cancer. While it is unquestionably scary to receive such a diagnosis, some in the medical community are questioning whether a slash-and-burn reaction to DCIS is appropriate. The current standard of care for DCIS is surgery and radiation. A natural reaction for a woman with DCIS is to undergo the most far-reaching form of treatment available. I won’t argue with that, because no one has the right to judge another person’s reaction to or decisions toward a cancer diagnosis. Anyone who tries to should be punched in the brain. Repeatedly.
That said, data don’t lie, and the case being made for a less-aggressive approach to DCIS is gaining ground. Dr Laura Esserman, a breast surgeon at the University of California, San Francisco, is setting the pace. In a recent New York Times article, Esserman says her goal is “to move the field and do right by our patients.”
Jim Wilson, The New York Times
Instead of immediately ordering biopsies for women with unsettling findings on their mammograms, Dr Esserman recommends active surveillance. She favors the “wait and see” approach, speaking out about the myriad ways in which a woman is adversely affected by slash-and-burn treatment for cancers that rarely progress beyond DCIS.
Dr Esserman is bringing to light the fact that mammograms — while valuable — find the slow-growing, non-metastasizing cancers that lead to panic more than they find the most lethal forms of breast cancer. She is lobbying for big changes in the early-detection world and has asked the National Cancer Institute to consider dropping the word “carcinoma” from the DCIS label. Instead, Esserman would like for DCIS to be renamed “indolent lesions of epithelial origin.” IDLE would replace DCIS as the way to describe a stage 0 diagnosis. IDLE is catchy and much friendlier than DCIS, if you ask me.
This woman is turning the breast-cancer world on its head, and I like it. In an era of less face-time with doctors, Dr Esserman spends as much time as needed with each patient, often texting or calling them at home. A big part of her “wait and see” approach to DCIS is asking the patients soul-searching questions and utilizing specific testing to gather further evidence before recommending surgery. She’s pushing for more innovation in clinical trials and for fine-tuning the process of screening for breast cancer. In cases for which she does recommend surgery, Dr Esserman counsels and frets like a family member, and even sings to her patients as they undergo anesthesia. Personally, I’d much prefer a serenade to a prayer before I go under the knife. I can imagine her patients, smiling and relaxed, as they enter the last blissful sleep they will enjoy for a while to come.
I love Dr Esserman. I don’t know her, but I love her. I love that she’s crashing through long-standing views and taking the road less traveled. I believe she will enact great change in the landscape of breast cancer. I wonder how I would have reacted to my own breast cancer diagnosis if mine had lacked an invasive tumor. If my cancer was simply DCIS, would I have chosen a different path? I don’t know, but I do know how scary my diagnosis was. I know that the scorched-earth treatment plan was right for me. I had watched my mom die from cancer at age 67. My kids were still in grade school when “the C word” was applied to me. I wanted to be as aggressive as possible, so my choice was to go balls-out against cancer. And it’s a good thing I did, because my “non-affected” breast turned out to be riddled with cancer. Nothing showed up, though, on any of the screenings. Nothing. When Dr Esserman mentioned that mammograms don’t find the more lethal forms of breast cancer, I nodded my head knowingly and actively talked myself off the roof rather than allowing myself to think “what if?” What if I had chosen a single lumpectomy or single mastectomy, and that smattering of cancer cells and Paget disease in my “unaffected” breast had continued to evade detection? Would I be sitting here, typing this post? Would I be glancing up from my computer to see this guy outside my window? 
What if?
WEGO HAWMC
Posted: April 2, 2013 Filed under: breast cancer, menopause | Tags: breast cancer, breast cancer awareness, HAWMC, tamoxifen, Tamoxifen side effects, WEGO Health 5 Comments
The WEGO HAWMC is quite a mouthful! WEGO Health describes itself as “social media’s most active online health community — Health Activists. These influencers, organizers, connectors, leaders and contributors are passionate about helping others lead healthier lives.” WEGO Health Activists have thrown out a challenge: the HAWMC, or Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. It’s a post-a-day challenge taken on by several bloggers I greatly admire. One of them asked if I was planning to participate, so here we are.
I missed Day 1, so will start with Day 2, which is pretty scrambled logic for this Type-A girl, but part of the challenge is thinking — and blogging — outside of our comfort zones so I guess I’m in.
Today’s prompt:
Introduce your condition to other Health Activists. What are 5 things you want them to know about your condition/activism?
Happy New Year!
Posted: January 3, 2012 Filed under: breast cancer, kids, pets, tennis | Tags: Animal House, breast cancer, Happy New Year, healthy diet, Kardashian sisters, New Year's resolutions, Newman's Own, pet piggies, postaday2012, teacup pigs, top 10 fattest actors 8 Comments
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called opportunity and the first chapter is New Year’s Day.” — Edith Lovejoy Pierce
I’m a couple of days late, but the sentiment stands.
Welcome, 2012. I have every hope that this year will be waaaaaaaaay better than the last. 2011 was a humdinger, and not in a good way. 2012 is bound to be better, just by default.
gocomics.com
I’m not one for making resolutions as a new year dawns, but I do like to set goals. I’ll leave things like world peace and matching-making for those pathetic Kardashian sisters to a higher power; I’m motivated, but am not a miracle worker. Without further ado, my goals for the coming year, in no apparent order:
drink more champagne (I’m sure some are wondering, is that even possible??)
improve my forehand (more depth and more angles, and quit hitting right to the person on the other side of the net. Sheesh.)
make my own salad dressing (no more Newman’s Own for me, although I want to figure out how to get his face on my bottle of dressing)
get my kids to eat more like Piper and less like John Belushi in Animal House, John Candy, and Chris Farley
take my calcium supplement (every day, no excuses, just do it)
That’s it. A simple list.
Happy New Year!
Redux
Posted: November 9, 2011 Filed under: breast cancer | Tags: baseball, breast cancer, cancer battle, mastectomy, post-mastectomy, postaday2011 3 CommentsI was mindlessly folding clean laundry this morning and remembered something from the beginning of my cancer “journey” that was so funny it warrants an encore. From my Caring Bridge journal, the precursor to this little blog, on Friday, May 26, 2010. To set the scene: Macy and I were at the ballpark, walking from the parking lot to the field for one of Payton’s baseball games. I was just shy of the 2-week mark since my bilateral mastectomy, and this was one of my first outings that didn’t involve a doctor’s appointment. My chest was flat as a board, but I didn’t care because the cancer was gone.
As we walked up to the field, Macy said totally out of the blue: “Mom — did they do something to your chi-chis? Because they look all shrunken.” My mind was racing at this point because #1, I have NO idea where this is going, and #2, I thought I’d explained the surgery to my kids. I have yet to find a parenting book or video that guides me through moments like these. So I told her yes, they did do something to my chi-chis: they cut them off! That’s what the surgery was all about. Then she says, “Well, are they going to fix them? Because they’re not looking so good.”
From the mouths of babes.
Jane, get me off this crazy thing!
Posted: November 8, 2011 Filed under: breast cancer, cancer fatigue, menopause | Tags: Alice in Wonderland, breast cancer, Eclipse, Edward Cullen, oophrectomy, postaday2011, psychological effects of breast cancer, Queen of Hearts, surgery, the Big Dig, the Jetsons 9 Comments
Remember George Jetson? And his ill-fated stint on the treadmill? And him begging his too-cute-for-him wife to get him off the crazy thing? I know how George feels. I’ve never been a fan of the treadmill in general, much preferring to get my cardio fix outside or slog my miles on the elliptical, but this figurative treadmill I’m on now is the pits. Stop the ride, I want off.
I mentioned that I have a heavy issue on my mind and wasn’t sure what to do about it. Yesterday was intended for settling the issue and making the necessary plans to move forward. Instead, it was a craptastic example how nothing goes as planned or as expected on this damned cancer “journey.” Having just come off a week of antibiotic hell after my latest reconstruction revision, craptastic was the last thing I needed. And yet, in typical cancer “journey” fashion, it’s got to be as complicated as humanly possible.
Yesterday started with a trip to the dermatologist for ye annual mole check, and that visit ended with 2 shaved-off moles being sent off for biopsy and the unceremonial removal of 7 or 8 skin tags. Being a melanoma victim, I’m pretty serious about any weird-looking spots on my skin and don’t hesitate to point out ones that need to be lopped off. Like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, I say “Off with their heads.” I was a walking Band-Aid when she got done with me. Then I headed straight to my next appointment, stop #2 of 3 on the Monday doctors’ tour, which should have been a simple fact-finding trip but ended up being an exercise in frustration and confusion.
Here’s the deal: when I was first diagnosed, way back when in a time that now seems like another lifetime entirely, I knew that at some point I would need to have my ovaries removed. The oophrectomy, in addition to being an outstanding Scrabble word, was a foregone conclusion. Think about it: ovaries produce estrogen and progesterone, both of which provide the fuel for my kind of cancer. Cut off the fuel supply and starve the cancer and eliminate any hope it may have of coming back.
Simple, right?
Then the post-mastectomy infection reared its ugly, ugly head, and I wasn’t well enough to undergo another surgery for quite a long time. (Some certain people who read this blog don’t like to see mention of said infection, which I totally get, but it’s kinda vital in the chain of events, so let’s all just suck it up and read on; it was a fluke infection for which no one can be held accountable. File that one under “shit happens.”) Moving on….Then once I was well enough after the infection, I was sick to death of sickness and near-deathness, so the idea of another surgery was most unpalatable to me. I wanted and needed — and deserved, dammit — to get back to “normal” for a bit before going under the knife yet again, so the oophrectomy was postponed. But it remained a constant, a “when” not an “if.”
My stint back to “normal” was short-lived, however, because once I was recovered enough from the mess last summer, it became apparent that we needed to go ahead with reconstruction asap in order to give the now-healed chest wall a vascular system. That poor chest wall had sunk and had been sliced & diced & excised enough times that it needed fresh blood as much as Edward Cullen and his crew does. So the next step in the unscripted and not-nearly-as-exciting-but equally-dramatic-as-Eclipse saga that is my life, we commenced with The Big Dig and relocated blood vessels from my belly to my chest. After a long-ass surgery and a Hades-esque stay in ICU, the blood vessels bloomed in their new home and all was well. With my highly skilled and kick-ass surgeons, the Drs S, The Big Dig was a screaming success and I seemed to be on the right track.
Revision #1 in August and Revision #2 last week were successful as well, thanks to the original Dr S, who never ceases to amaze me with his surgical talent and artistry. That man is pure genius in the OR. Can’t recommend his work highly enough.
Having survived all these surgeries brings me to the here & now, which is the pursuit of the oophrectomy. Yesterday’s visit to the OB-GYN was a fact-finding mission for a surgery that I know in my heart of hearts I should have. Then the OB-GYN throws me a nasty curveball by questioning why I want to do this.
“Want” isn’t the word I would use for my feelings toward the oophrectomy, but I understand that it is elective compared to an appendectomy, say. But no, I don’t want to do it. I need to do it, and I’m being responsible by volunteering for it. But I certainly don’t want to do it.
Almost as much as I don’t want to have my carefully-thought-out plan upended. I listened carefully as the OB-GYN explained the permanence of removing one’s ovaries, the risks of the surgery, and the menopause it brings on. I’m there, I get it. I’m young for breast cancer and for removing my lady parts, but I’m way past childbearing and have been in menopause for the last 18 months, so I am well-versed in the hell that it is.
She spent a lot of time explaining that surgical menopause is abrupt and intense. Instead of the body gradually decreasing the amount of female hormones at its own pace, it’s like an on/off switch. One day you’re normal, the next day you’re in menopause. I’m still not sure what part of my 18 months of chemically-induced menopause she didn’t get, but suffice to say it was like banging one’s head against the proverbial wall. Bang! Bang! Bang!
Some days there’s not enough alcohol in the world to cope with these detours and speed bumps on the cancer “journey.”
(Ooooh, I think I feel a tshirt slogan coming on.)
The mess of the OB-GYN appointment continued when she was finally satisfied that she’d drilled the cons of the surgery into my head enough to examine me. She determined right away that doing the oophrectomy laproscopically (i.e., through my belly button instead of via an incision) won’t work because of the abdominal scar from The Big Dig. She thinks there’s too much scar tissue and the skin on my abdomen is too tight to allow her to maneuver laproscopically. This is one opinion, and a perfect example of why a pro-active patient solicits more than one. Nothing about my ab scar is unusual or unexpected, just makes a laparoscopic procedure trickier.
So the option to not doing the surgery laparoscopically is making another incision. She wants to make another incision, below the existing 17-inch racetrack. Another incision. Now I’m thinking there aren’t enough cuss words to cope with these detours and speed bumps on the cancer “journey.”
(A companion t-shirt, me thinks.)
Ugh.
A most unsatisfying appointment.
There was just enough time for Amy and me to grab lunch before moving on to my next appointment. And yes, by lunch I mean drinks.
My next appointment entailed removing the two sets of stitches from Revision #2, which I expected, instead of removing them with tweezers or little scissors, there was a blade, which I did not expect. The downside to those super-tiny, uber-tidy mucho-skilled plastic surgeon stitches is that they’re a bit harder to remove than conventional, Frankenstein-style stitches. The blade was like an X-acto knife on steroids, and after the day I’d had, it scared me a little bit. But the good doctor held my hand, soothed my jangled nerves, and tut-tutted over me like the kindest of caregivers, and the stitches were no more. You can barely spot where they used to be because the incisions are so small, and the human pincushion lives to see another day.
But what about those ovaries? What to do about those?
The saga continues.
Digging deep
Posted: November 4, 2011 Filed under: breast cancer, drugs | Tags: Antibiotics, breast cancer, chicken pox, Harriet Beecher Stowe, inspirational quotes, mono, Phenergan, postaday2011, psychological effects of breast cancer, Taylor Swift, Zofran 8 CommentsThe last week has been rather trying.
Ok, it’s pretty much sucked out loud.
This time last week I was puking like a freshman pledge at a fraternity party, and the fun didn’t stop until I dosed myself with Phenergan and Zofran and conked out for the night. Little did I know that that was a harbinger of what was to come.
The preventative course of antibiotics has quite simply kicked my ass. I’ve never been one to run from a fight, until now. I’m done. I’m out. Let the countdown begin so someone can drag my sorry carcass out of the ring.
I’ve spent the vast majority of this week in my bed. The entire week. This is rather unusual for a busybody like me, but there was no way around it. My body said, enough. I got up for the necessities: sustenance, teeth-brushing, and potty breaks. Oh, and to drive carpool. Gotta go get the kiddies! Yesterday I picked up the kids in my pajamas — a first for me. I know some moms who do that on a regular basis, but I had never once done it, and today may well be a repeat performance. One of the teachers in the pick-up line, an adorable & energetic kindergarten teacher, stuck her head in my car to say hi and giggled at me in my jammies. She said,”Oooh, I want your life.” I looked her straight in the eye and said, “No, you don’t.”
Trust me on that.
Never have I been laid so low by the workings of modern medicine. Not when I had chicken pox in grade school and had to miss the school carnival (a belated thank you to Rick Dodd for bringing me cotton candy from the event). Not when I had mono in middle school and thought I was near death. Not when I got my tonsils out in high school and would have slipped quietly out of this world if someone had just pulled the sheet over my head.
I have never felt this sick.
I seriously considered calling my dear, delightful doctor yesterday to say that I highly suspect the antibiotics are poisoning me.
My whole body hurts. My bones ache. My lower back feels like it’s being pulled in all directions. My eye sockets feel too big. My tummy is in serious turmoil. The back of my mouth feels like something died in it. My tongue feels fuzzy. My brain is switched off yet my head is spinning, and the idea of making a simple decision is overwhelming. Nothing sounds good, nothing tastes good, yet I’m convinced that there’s something out there that will make this all better. Fresh-squeezed orange juice? No. A grilled cheese sandwich with spicy mustard? Sorry. An angel food smoothie with extra antioxidants? Good try, but no. Macaroni & cheese? Hah. Yogurt with lots of blueberries? Puh-leeze.
The only thing that’s gonna help me in this dire case is time. As the sage Boy George once said, “Time, oh give me time.”
Time to heal. Time for the drugs to run their course. Time to patch up my desiccated digestive system. Time to get past this latest round of shittiness.
(I really hope it happens fast, too, because my favorite girl & I have tickets to see Taylor Swift tomorrow.)
It’s time to dig deep, to look to wiser women than myself, and to seek comfort from whatever source in which it may reside. Today it’s Harriet Beecher Stowe who speaks to me, whose words assure me that I can get through this:
“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”
I’m waiting.
Back among the living
Posted: October 28, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: breast cancer, new boobs, plastic surgery, port-a-cath, postaday2011, Power Port, reconstruction, recovery, revision 9 CommentsI’m happy to report that today is a much better day than yesterday’s barf-o-rama. I lost count after the puking reached double digits, and admit to a moment of panic when I realized I hadn’t kept anything down all day. Not even a pretzel. I did learn that there is quite a hierarchy in grossness of what comes back up — some food items are way more disgusting than others when vomited up. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. By 9 pm I decided to throw in the towel and just go to bed. I won’t say I slept especially well, but I didn’t throw up any more so I’m calling it a victory.
The surgery was successful. Very successful. My doc achieved something I honestly didn’t think was possible — he sculpted, tucked, cut, and stitched to create exactly the look I was hoping for, but didn’t think would happen. The shape and symmetry are both very much improved, and instead of an elliptical uniboob, I now have two distinct and rounded boobs. My port is gone, and the ever-thoughtful doc even injected a little bit of fat into the port-removal site because sometimes after the device is removed, the skin collapses a bit to create a divot. But not for me, thanks to my forward-thinking surgeon. How nice is that?
I’m pretty battered and sore, and the port-removal site hurts worse than I expected, but I’m happy. I even told my doc this morning that as much as it pains me to admit it, he was right all along. He was right, I was wrong: he was indeed able to fix my messed-up chest, and his artistry certainly prevailed. I never expected the DIEP surgery to result in one-and-done results; I knew that revisions, plural, would be necessary. But I had fallen into the abyss of wondering if things would ever look right again. I can’t tell you how happy I am to report that I’m no longer in that abyss, and all is right in my world.
I’ve got to lay low and be very still for a while, as everything that was sucked out and relocated settles in. Thanks to everyone who checked on me, and thanks for all the prayers and good wishes sent from near and far.
6 years later…
Posted: October 13, 2011 Filed under: breast cancer, kids | Tags: breast cancer, cancer diagnosis, cancer recurrence, family, grandchildren, grief, guardian angel, Halloween costumes, home cooking, losing a parent to cancer, Mom, mother's love, National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day, pinkwashing, psychological effects of cancer, tennis, YaYa 14 CommentsToday is National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. Congress said so, and in making such a proclamation, let’s hope we get some action. Action beyond pink ribbons and promotional tie-ins like toilet paper and cups of yogurt. The estimate is that some 160,000 women are dealing with metastatic breast cancer, but I suspect the number is much higher. Metastatic means the cancer has spread. Stage IV. There is no Stage V. Every BC patient’s worst nightmare. Because being diagnosed at all, regardless of stage, isn’t nightmare enough.
I’ll save the mets post for another day, because there’s another commemoration taking place today, and I won’t be able to rest until I get this post out of my head.
Or so I thought.
I sat down at my computer to mark this important day, but I got nothing. I am stuck. The enormity of the topic overwhelms me. I want to write just the right thing, but in my quest for perfection I’m struck down, unable to convey the importance that screams to get out.
It’s not often that I’m at a loss for words, particularly on this little blog. I rarely have trouble thinking of what to write, and most days the topic guides me. Sometimes a topic pops into my head and I have an overwhelming urge to write. My fingers on the keyboard can hardly keep up with my thoughts as they tumble out of my head.
But today, I’ve got nothing.
And rather than make myself crazy on this day, this important yet heartbreaking day, I’m going to re-run the post from last year. I added a few more pictures, because this time last year I was brand-new to blogging and hadn’t quite figured out how to manage the images in my posts. But more importantly, I added a few more pictures because I need to remember what she looked like.
My heart is heavy as grief once again rears its ugly head and reminds me that she is gone, forever.
It’s been exactly 5 years since my mom died. Lots of people have written about loss & grief, and most of them have done it more eloquently than I. If you knew her, you loved her. Plain & simple. She was one of those people. She never met a stranger and could talk to anyone. The stories are endless, and if I think really hard I can conjure up the sound of her laugh. I have to work hard to remember her voice, though, because her “sick” voice is the freshest one. I also have to think back to how she looked, pre-cancer, before the dreaded disease ravaged her body yet was unable to extinguish her effervescent personality.
My mom was an incredible cook. She grew up on a farm and lost her own mom at age 13, so she assumed more responsibility than a middle-schooler should. 
She taught me a lot in the kitchen, although I’ll never match her skill with pie crust. I try every year at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and end up exhausted, frustrated and having used a month’s worth of curse words. One year at Christmas she gave coupons for a homemade pie, and those were highly prized gifts for sure.
She was a “white” woman who married into a Greek family. “White” means anyone who’s not Greek. Sometimes the Greeks aren’t happy about “whites” joining a family, because they want their kids to marry other Greeks. My mom didn’t let that stop her. She ingratiated herself into the lives of the Greek women and learned their culinary secrets. It wasn’t long before she was the best cook in the bunch. Not bad for a “white” girl.
My sweet mama was the quintessential suburban at-home mom: PTA president, Girl Scout leader, queen of homemade Halloween costumes. She put a homemade meal on the table every night for dinner, and I was halfway through elementary school before I realized that the homemade cinnamon roll that was my lunchbox treat was a rarity.
She had a love of learning that I see echoed in my own kids. I’m sure she flourished at college, probably thrilled to be responsible only for herself for the first time in years. 
She was president of her sorority and got this fancy necklace to wear during her reign. The look of pure happiness on her face makes me smile all these years later. In her typical over-achieving way, she graduated college in 3 years, then became an English teacher before she became a mom. My whole childhood, she had us look up words in the dictionary to learn how to spell. I won the spelling bee in 4th grade, and to this day am proud of being a good speller. She instilled a love of words and reading that I’ll carry with me my entire life.
When Trevor graduated from business school in 2004, she was as proud of him as if he were her own child. In fact, once he married into her family, she considered him a son. Not a son-in-law, but a son. She was sick at the time this photo was taken, but hid it well. She didn’t want anything to interfere with his big day.
She had a lot of success in life, but her greatest achievement was being YaYa. She loved her grandbabies to the max, and when she knew she was losing her battle against cancer, she spoke of her sadness in not being able to watch them grow up. 
She’s missed out on a lot. But loss is a 2-way street, and the 4 kids who were lucky enough to have her as their YaYa, albeit way too briefly, have missed out as well. As each year passes, and her grandbabies grow up, they change and take on new interests and habits. She would have loved every minute of it. Something tells me she would have been quite adept at navigating whatever stage those little darlins are in.
Here they are on the day of her funeral.
Andrew was 8, Payton and his cousin Megan were 6, Macy was 3 when YaYa died. She was 67. Way too young, all the way around.
Life isn’t the same without her. While the pain of loss has lessened over the years, it’s still there, and I suspect it never goes away. No one in your life loves you the way a mother does. And no matter how old I become, I will always miss my mother’s love. Oliver Wendell Holmes said that “mothers carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.” That certainly was the case with my mom.
Milestones are hard when you’ve lost someone so dear. Every year, the week or so leading up to the anniversary of her death has been miserable. I find myself transported back to the time of illness and all of the unpleasantness that entailed. Taking care of her was both the hardest thing ever and the greatest honor. I went into it knowing it would be hard, but having no idea how brutal. Balancing that with taking care of my young family was grueling, no doubt. But I wanted to come out of it with no regrets, and I’m happy to say that I did.
This year, however, was different. I wasn’t dreading the date. Maybe because I’ve got a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate. Maybe because as I get ever closer to regaining my “normal” life after my own cancer battle, I have a new perspective. Maybe I’m just getting absent-minded in my old age.
For a while after she died, I looked for her in crowds: at the grocery store, at a baseball game, at any random gathering. I knew, of course, that she wasn’t there. At least my rational brain knew that, but I looked anyway. I don’t know when it was that I stopped looking, but at some point, I started to see her. Not really her, but glimpses of people or expressions on faces that recalled her: the woman at the gym who looks a lot like her from the back. The resemblance in my niece to my mom’s photos as a child. My aunt’s hands, which look just like my mom’s.
This year, today, on the anniversary of her death, I wasn’t looking for her, but she was there. Today in my much-anticipated first tennis match since my mastectomy, my opponents’ names were Barbara and Ann. Guess what my mom’s name was? Yep, you got it — Barbara Ann.
Footloose and fever-free (mostly)
Posted: September 1, 2011 Filed under: breast cancer, tennis | Tags: breast cancer, cancer battle, cancer diagnosis, DIEP, John Newcombe, Kim Clijsters, Newk's Tennis Ranch, post-mastectomy infection 4 CommentsAs I predicted yesterday, my favorite doctor and all-around funny guy Dr S did indeed shake his head at me when I reported that I was fever-free until evening time. He shook his head, just as I expected, and said if you had a fever — even one that didn’t come until evening time — you were not fever-free. I said yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m claiming it. It counts. Even if I’m the only one who thinks so, for the record I was fever-free. So there.
He probably would have argued with me if I were still feeling like something scraped off the bottom of someone’s shoe and if the redness/soreness/streakiness/swelling hadn’t tapered off considerably. I still look like I’ve been beaten mercilessly by a very large stick after last week’s surgery, but I feel a lot better. Yesterday followed the same pattern as the day before, with me being fever-free until the end of the day. Last night the fever came on even later than the day before, and I expect this means it’s pulling off a long, protracted, and overly dramatic good-bye. That’s my official medical opinion; don’t try to talk me out of this idea or change my mind. I’m operating under the assumption that my body is working it all out, and that a slight fever at the tail-end of the day is emblematic of the trauma my body endured last week and not indicative of anything infection-related.
My visit to Dr S was quite pleasant, and as usual, we scuffled a bit over a few points. The main scuffle is an ongoing one in which the good doctor claims that before The Big Dig, i.e., my DIEP surgery for reconstruction, I did not have a waist. This has always struck me as seriously funny because one thing I’ve always had, maybe even from birth, is a waist. I was curvy before it was cool. Way before J-Lo, Beyonce, and Kim Kardashian, I had a waist and a round butt, and I’ve never had skinny legs. Not that I’m a tub-o, but I’ve always had meat on my bones and muscle. I learned long ago that certain fashion trends were not for me, and I’ve lived 42 years without ever wearing a pair of skinny jeans, quite happily I might add.
So it’s always struck me as funny that my favorite surgeon said that in the course of restructuring my body during The Big Dig that he “gave me” a waist. Of course I wasted no time in correcting him, and we’ve gone round and round about this issue ever since.
That's me in the red, w my runnin' buddy, pre-cancer
I reminded him that unlike a lot of his patients, I was pretty happy with my body before cancer invaded and necessitated surgeries that would change so many aspects of my physical self. I’ve always been physically active, and can truly say I’m one of those weirdos who likes to work out. Every time we watch the Biggest Loser, I get a little envious about the contestants being able to spend hours in the gym every day. I know, weird, huh?
As much as I enjoy working out, I love, love, love to play tennis. Back in the day, pre-cancer, my favorite day was Monday because I would have a tennis lesson, then work out, then go to a tennis drill. I’d stop for a snack in between the lesson and the gym, and change clothes then have lunch before drill, then happily collapse in a heap. Super weird, right? Some of my happiest days ever were spent at Newk’s tennis camp, where we played tennis for 16 hours over the course of a too-short weekend. If you’re a tennis player but have never heard of Newk’s, get online now and make a reservation. It will be one of the best weekends of your life.
gearing up for all day on the courts
Carianne, Rebecca, Sharon, Staci, Melanie and I played hard and had a blast. We fully embraced the camp philosophy of “Eat, sleep, and breathe tennis,” and we found it true that while at Newk’s, you have “No worries, mate!”
Kim, Staci, Sharon and I were so thrilled to meet John Newcombe himself. What a kick to be at camp with him, visit with him, and watch him in action — yes, he still plays like a pro. He’s a stand-up guy who entertained us with his tennis tales and inspired us to become “rock solid.” They say his moustache is insured for $13 million, and I believe it! My favorite thing he said about his longevity in the tennis world: “I’m basically living the same, I just curtailed the stupidity.” I’d say anyone who chooses to build a first-rate tennis academy in the Texas Hill Country has indeed curtailed the stupidity. The scenery surrounding Newk’s place is gorgeous, the pros are fun and knowledgeable, and the weekend camps are the best!
Directors Chris & Sal and the other pros earned their money the weekends we visited. We played hard, sassed them, and tried to drink them under the table. They’ve got youth on their side, though, and all-day tennis while hungover would bother me more than it would them. Team Mexico and Team Australia entertained us royally, and we will be back for another hard-core weekend soon. Planning to return to Newk’s has kept me going during this long, drawn-out, and unpleasant recovery from the dreaded disease and the even-worse infection.
That’s part of why this idea of me not having a waist has been so funny. I have indeed always had one, and to settle the issue once and for all, I went to my appointment yesterday loaded with physical evidence.
Photos. Lots of photos. 
Starting way back, you can see a waist. The photo is old and the quality isn’t great, but by golly there’s a waist. 
Then there’s the wedding dress. Again, the photo is old — coming up on 19 years — but even in all-white, the least-flattering color for full-body shots, I see a waist. I also see a very sweet look on my mama’s face, and remembering her in that sparkly pink dress brings a bittersweet smile to my face. 
This green dress was my favorite piece of my work wardrobe. I still have it, and might just try to squeeze into it for my next appointment with Dr S. Part of what I loved about it was that it wrapped around the front and buttoned at the waist. Yes, at the waist!
Like a lot of women, I found myself a bit bigger after childbirth, but looky here — I’m a mom, and I have…a waist!
My final piece of evidence was this photo of Yvonne and me at our Cooking Club Christmas party before I was diagnosed in April. Our Cooking Club goes all-out for the Christmas party, and since it’s the only time all year we invite the men, sometimes it gets pretty wild. Thankfully this photo was taken before the wild rumpus began, and again, I see…a waist!
After scrutinizing my photo evidence with his highly trained eye, Dr S had a few things to say. First, the cheerleader photo was from too far back in history. Second, that I looked very young in my wedding photo (compared to the ravaged old hag I am now, I guess), and when I told him I’ve been married 18 years he asked, “To the same person?” I know, I know, Trevor deserves a medal. Third, he said Yvonne is so pretty. On that point, the good doctor and I agree (xo, my friend!).
So the long story short, after examining my evidence, Dr S concluded that he never said I didn’t have a waist, but that he “enhanced it.” Like a lot of skirmishes, one must choose whether it’s a battle worth fighting. I unloaded my ammo in this skirmish, proved to my favorite surgeon that my waist pre-dated him, and smiled in satisfaction. I will admit that I enjoy these little scuffles with Dr S. He’s a worthy opponent in the stubbornness department, but I think he bests me in the “dogged determination to prove you’re right arena.” I’ve got him in the “who can hold a grudge longer” contest, though. We’ve gone toe-to-toe more than once, and I suspect that trend will continue.
My latest scuffle with the good doctor reminds me of my favorite quote by Kim Clijsters, one of my tennis role models. The reigning champ of the US Open and the Australian Open was the first mom to win a major title since Evonne Goolagong did it in 1980. (If you thought Evonne won a title for strangest last name in tennis, you would be wrong.)
googleimages.com
Kim is a scrappy, smart player who gives it all on the court. Her “split shots” wow me every time.
googleimages.com
She talks of how losing motivates her more than winning does. She seems to like the battle as much as the result, and believes that “it’s the imperfect matches that make you great.” I think so too. But that’s not my favorite quote of hers; it’s this:
“It’s nice to win 6-1, 6-0 but there’s nothing better than when it’s 5-all in the third set and nobody knows who will prevail.”
The Pink Underbelly 